The Drawbacks of Craving Security and How We All Crave It Even if We Don’t Know

Accomplishment Tree

I am not a victim of my own mind, but I have been perplexed for far too long. Love, fame, success, anything really. We all continue to chase things in life. Once you get that new house, then it's paying off your mortgage. Once you finally get your PhD, then your struggle becomes finding a job and then, eventually, once you learn the ropes, working your way up. One struggle after the next, because truth be told, every accomplishment leads to a new struggle that we pinpoint our sights on as the end of all means. We see specs on clean dishes and expect utopia to enter the chat. As you live, the tree of your life grows, fruits of accomplishments each complimenting the next, but if you chase them for the wrong reasons, the fruitfulness of those accomplishments ceases to exist. It looses value and within 3 minutes of growing the fruits becomes rotten. Because the feeling that you were trying to grasp with that accomplishment fades, so you move onto the next thing and then the next. The external starts to outweigh the internal. The balance between the two is undermined, and the void consumes you no matter what you do. So you turn to other things to fill the void or begin hyperfixating on a new goal that will grant you everlasting happiness. If there is even such a thing. Or maybe, like I've done in the past, you do both. You ignore your back aching because in just a few months you'll be able to pay off that new car. Why do you want to pay for that car? Why do you want to become famous? In a nutshell, all along it was our need for security. 

Cracking Open The Nutshell

The need for security is the driving force in our subconscious that rules our life. So, let's crack it open with a sledgehammer and throw the cracked nutshell pieces into the ocean. To begin beating the shit out of the nutshell, I decided to list off some amateur examples. The classic case being the millionaire. Working from 9 to 5 and struggling to make ends meet is suffocating. She spends little free time she has trying to make something of herself. After 3 years of sweat, blood, and fluid, I can only hope is tears she finally "made" it. Three whole minutes of joy, gratitude, and a whirlwind of the past 3 years of emotions overtake her. Then she feels absolutely nothing. She starts to think of other problems in her life, analyzing that spec on the dish, trying to uncover more ways she can "make it" or find success. Cause after all, her sister just got a PhD, and she needs to step up her game, so mommy dearest will put her in will. Whether it's her mother, society, or self-validation. She is trying to gain a sense of security. Some would argue that it's the need for love and to that I would say right on money. Security and Love go hand in hand. You cannot be secure in yourself unless you love yourself and trust in yourself to make decisions. You know that feeling of knowing that if you were stuck in a ditch you could find your way back home or find a way to create a new home all on your own. Rather that be by going apeshit and living in the ditch, walking back home, or building a house next to the ditch once you get back up on your feet. Regardless, you took care of yourself and, in a sense, that's what security is all about, isn't it? Everyone knows the girl who looks man after man seeking validation never finds it because she didn't love herself first. And if she doesn't love, accept, and trust herself, then how could she ever really be secure in her decision to choose a partner or secure in that fact that her partner truly loves her? After all, she doesn't even know who she is, so how can she expect him to love her for who she is? This is why, in this case, she typically chooses wrong because seeking validation in relationships, as we all know, leads to fake friends, abusive partners, and the list goes on. Anyway, back to the millionaire, there's no doubt that she's accomplished, but she continues to break her back. Similar to the Kardashian's, she builds websites and businesses like their Lego sets. Her reasoning behind the chase is external validation of success by others, because her success is weighed by what others think of her, rather that is her mother, the internet, or her doctor sister. Her success should be measured by how far she's come or the growth of the venture that gets her up in the morning. Not the media or any other person for that matter, because fame is not love, it is the external validation we strive to achieve to obtain a false sense of love and, in turn, security. Now, more than ever, because not only did you "make it" but you have a whole community that loves your new hit album.  It's not about how many subscribers you have but how much your channel has grown over the years. Doechii didn't become famous overnight. She started YouTube 8 + years ago and just recently won a Grammy. This Just in Overnight success stories are fake. Success is the positive changes you have created in your life, the growth in your character, and the feeling of knowing that, no matter what, you'll be ok because you have trust in yourself to make it ok. That is pure security in oneself and life itself. 

Throw Da Bitch Into The Ocean

I'd be lying if I said there won't always be nutshells you need to crack open, analyze, and then throw into swamps, oceans, or lakes. As much as I hate to admit it, it's all part of the journey. If you no longer feel and continue to grow, then life would cease to be meaningful. I'm currently redefining my own values regarding security. For the longest time, a rich housewife's lifestyle and a three bedroom house were security for me. Now, it's my own home in my name, and even that notion is a nutshell I need to crack open. Because a house is not security; it's the home you come back to within yourself. So, with that being said, take it easy and redefine your values. It's as simple as associating faith in myself with security rather than relying on external factors such as money or a home because, as hurricanes, foreclosures, and bankruptcies have taught us, those things don't last. However, if you continue to nurture it, trust and faith in yourself do. Thus, change your values to be internal rather than external. Another example would be associating love with stable, enriching connections with family members or found family rather than an online community or fame. Your father or Kacey-1 on Instagram thinking you're an abomination, while hurtful , shouldn't affect how you see yourself. Let them foster their own opinions of you; those are not your burdens to take on. You cannot control an unpredictable world, and sometimes it's hard to even control how you perceive it. Perception, opinions, and thought management takes practice and self awareness. But if you have security in yourself and stop trying to find it in unattainable means to ends, then you've already come farther than you were yesterday.

Author's Notes

By no means am I a therapist, but speaking from personal experience, the need for security, despite it being right in front of me, has ruled most of my life. And I'll be damned if I let it do the same for other people when all I have to do is sit my lazy ass in front of a keyboard and type. Now if it was a typewriter, that would be a different story because I make way too many grammar errors. For further tips on redefining values, I recommend the book "The Art of Not Giving A Fuck" by Mark Manson. The author who inspired this article and the reason I have chosen to redefine my own values.